every year i sit down in front of the Fireplace, flames roaring, with a newspaper across my lap. i am nude. there is a glass of warm lemonade in my hand. i need to crap really bad. i sing an acapella version of "You Gotta Be The One", a song i invented that nobody knows except me. when im done singing it i crap into the newspaper, use the obituaries to wipe my ass, and toss the whole bundle into the fireplace. my house smells like shit for weeks after and i cant have any guests over. then it's 11:58pm and i jack off until new yeear's a cum at exactly 12:00:01. then i watch a Louis CK standup marathon with the volume off and no subtitles and mouth every joke because i have them all memorized. then i fall asleep naked on the floor. i do this every year and i am 108 years old